How to sleep with your boss and come out on top
Published: Monday, February 7, 2011
Updated: Tuesday, February 8, 2011 10:02
Disclaimer: This is satirical and does not necessarily reflect my absolute opinion on the matter. That said, it is pretty helpful advice.
Heaven forbid we let history repeat itself. Because if there's one thing we can learn from Monica Lewinsky or "The Late Show's" Stephanie Birkitt, it's to stay away from the married brute. A brief stint in the promotional world will not help your newly-unemployed self when a wife or soon to be ex-wife decides your head would look really neat hanging on her wall.
This is not to say that sleeping with your boss is not economically beneficial, because in some scenarios, you might just hit the jackpot if you're any good in bed.
However, before considering a fling with your superior, it's important to do a little digging into his/her marital status if you're unsure. This is where stalking phone calls, Google, Facebook and following your boss home come into play.
Now, unless you're just a no-good home wrecker, I advise steering clear of any boss that isn't completely unattached. If you do not heed this warning, I guarantee that "You don't stand a chance," because Gretchen Wilson says so and she is the Chuck Norris of beating up home wreckers.
According to Videojug, a website designed to help you "get good at life," some people are just naturally attracted to those in positions of power. The first step in seducing your boss, then, is to weigh your options and decide if your love for your boss is more important than that for your job. Because we rarely think logically when we need to, your sexy boss will probably win this battle.
After making this decision, the next step is to test the waters with a little flirting. If this is well received and does not land you in the timeout corner with your nose pressed in a circle on the wall, then you are one step closer to banging up against the bathroom door with your superior love interest.
Next, it's important to be willing to stay late and assist your boss in any way possible. This might include, but is not limited to, fetching coffee, attaching paper clips, folding paper or pet-sitting. If your help goes unhindered and you feel confident your boss is digging you, mention going out for drinks at some later time. This works for both males and females as it is viewed as more of an open invitation than a serious date. Your boss will be more inclined to accept the offer, too.
If everything goes according to plan and your boss is equally attracted to you, then you're golden. Have fun in the bathroom, on his/her desk after hours and in the copy room.
And finally, the best part: Have an agenda. A decent percentage of business hookups involve salary increases and promotion to the next level of management. According to a study done by the Center for Work-Life Policy, of those involved in the survey, 37 percent of women either received a career boost or believed they would should they participate in the act.
"In a 2006 poll of 5,000 women by Top Santé magazine 28 percent of women admitted to sex with a colleague; 10 percent had had a fling with the boss; and of that 10 percent, 12 percent were subsequently promoted."
Looks like the odds are definitely in your favor. In other words, sex is a manipulator, so use it.
Granted, there are probably much more legitimate ways to advance your career. But I think it's important to know and understand your options as a grownup.