US Coast Guard discovers Santa alive after disappearance

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and laced with lies. Any resemblance to the truth found herein is a matter

of sheer luck. The Scribble should be approached with a healthy dose of skepticism,

and its claims should be taken - if they are taken at all - with many grains of salt.

The U.S. Coast Guard has located Santa and his sleigh after they vanished just weeks ago, while there are still no traces of his reindeer. Last month while NORAD was tracking Santa Claus, he suddenly fell off their radar in the mysterious Bermuda Triangle.

Rescuers and search parties found Santa by pure luck. "We were in Bermuda talking to locals about tracking Santa when one local fisherman said that he had found a large red sleigh while off shore. Inside that sleigh was a large, old man that matched the identity of Santa. The fisherman was attending to St. Nick's wounds when we could finally talk to this man."

A quick questioning of Santa revealed to the Coast Guard team that Santa had no memory of the incident. "Santa is too tired for questions," said the jolly old man. "All Santa remembers is the pretty lights coming for the sleigh and waking up to the kind fisherman tending to my wounds."

Santa is still being held for medical care in Bermuda. In the meantime, speculation has resurfaced with different theories gaining popularity.

Mariah Jane, author of "Oh No, I Think I've Slept with an Alien," believes that this short interview indicates an alien abduction.

"The evidence now is overwhelming," explained Jane, "The Bermuda Triangle's tendency for alien activity points toward an abduction of Santa Claus. Let's look at the facts: Santa doesn't remember anything at all and he witnessed blinding lights before he forgot everything. Haven't you people been watching all of these alien movies from Hollywood?"

Popular socialites led by Paris Hilton accused Santa of foul play. "That fat, cookie-loving ‘turd' did this as a publicity stunt. He's just a sore loser because he knows kids look up to people like us now instead of him and he wants the attention."

Mrs. Claus replied, "Paris is upset because she can't get off Santa's naughty list."

Local Larry Broeson started a group in response to his previous claims that the government was responsible for Santa's disappearance. BRO (Brother's Readily Occupying) protested outside numerous C.I.A. offices around the country. "Santa is innocent, give us the truth," chanted the protesters.

Despite the safety and security of our beloved St. Nick, speculators still have no idea what happened while everyone has forgotten the real crisis that was averted: Tim Allen will not be replacing Santa Claus.