University Center crash site boarded up, students respond

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The broken, scattered glass and the bent and cracked plastic wreckage have all been cleaned up. A wood panel covers the hole in the side of the University Center wall where, as The Scribe reported last week, a white and blue WaveRunner crashed.

In the story first appearing in The Scribe’s spring break issue, the WaveRunner belonged to graduate student Liam Crashburn. Crashburn was unconscious after the crash and has refused interviews by the media. He is in non-critical condition at Memorial Hospital.

“This is a very serious matter,” said Police Chief Tim Rice. “This is what happens when water vehicles are ridden around campus without proper safeguards.”

The campus investigation has turned up little more information than what was reported last week. Eyewitnesses originally reported seeing, “A lot of bodies – it looks like a lot of people died.”

After further examination, however, it appears that Crashburn had been carrying a large duffel bag full of mannequin body parts. According to Rice, “There were no actual human casualties.”

Rice was also able to confirm that no one except Crashburn was injured. “We were lucky it happened the week before spring break – everyone’s classes went long.”

Student responses have been varied. Saul Jock, a senior in basketweaving, said, “That’s crazy awesome, man. Crashburn’s a hero.”

Danny Caring, a senior studying biology said, “I saw the broken window. I hope no one got hurt too badly.”  

Psychology freshman Jennifer Sarcasm said, “Too bad that crazy preacher guy wasn’t there that day. That would have been hilarious.”

The crash has provoked the creation of a student group, Campaign Against Waverunner Stupidity. The organizer of CAWS, Seth Heart, said, “We’re very serious about our mission. We want to warn people about the dangers of operating Waverunners while stupid.”

Another member, Deanna Tres, said, “We think that everyone should take an IQ test before getting a license for water vehicles.”

The campus department has charged the pilot, Crashburn, with reckless driving and endangering public safety. The school attorney, Penny Millet, said, “There were plenty of eyewitnesses, and the vehicle itself was registered to Mr. Crashburn. This shouldn’t be hard to prosecute.”