NORAD Loses Track of Santa over Bermuda Triangle

Disclaimer: The contents of the Scribble are completely fabricated, peppered with in­consistencies and laced with lies. Any resemblance to the truth found herein is a matter of sheer luck. The Scribble should be approached with a healthy dose of skepticism, and its claims should be taken - if they are taken at all - with many grains of salt. 

Mystery and mayhem plague the events surrounding Santa's disappearance after NORAD lost track of Saint Nick and his reindeer over the Bermuda Triangle. He was en route from France to Cuba when his blip went dark.

Things were going smoothly until about 32 miles in. "We just lost contact with him," said trackers at NORAD. "We're not sure what happened but we did re­ceive this last transmission from him."

This transmission received was bro­ken, but NORAD trackers decoded the message as following, "Pretty… lights incoming… Rudolph's nose… not so bright… not guiding the sleigh tonight."

It appears that not even Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer's nose could save the sleigh from whatever fate befell Saint Nick.

As the search for Santa continues, many issues have been left in the dark. Something drastic must have happened to cause Santa to crash. Three theories have surfaced in the disappearance of the sleigh, including freak waves, aliens and the government, all having legitimate claims.

Bermuda Triangle scientist Keith Boringmon theorizes that a rogue wave engulfed the sleigh in the Bermuda Tri­angle.

"Rogue waves are freak acts of na­ture that can rise to be over 100 feet tall. With the poor vision Santa experienced at night over the ocean, a rogue wave would be hard to see until it was too late," says Boringmon.

According to Mariah Jane, author of "Oh No, I Think I've Slept with an Alien," the possibility of anything but an alien ab­duction of Santa Claus is ludicrous.

"The reality here is that Santa was taken by aliens. The Bermuda Triangle is known for extraterrestrial activity, and Santa being alone out there with his rein­deer makes him a prime target for alien abductions. He knows the secrets of ev­ery house in the world and how to get in to them. Aliens want this information for future abductions."

But according to local Larry Broeson, the government is to blame.

"The truth is that the government want­ed Santa to go down, man. They think he's smuggling stuff into countries and they don't like that they can't control someone who can break into anyone's house and leave something," he said.

"They think he's a terrorist, bro. I ask you, does a terrorist bring joy to little chil­dren around the world?"

Harrison Richard Cox of the Depart­ment of Defense said, "We've followed this Santa Claus character for a long time, and he is still suspected of carrying weap­ons of mass destruction. For that, we will always follow him. He poses a significant threat still bearing the colors of red, even with the continuous dangers of Commu­nism. Now he wants to visit Cuba and ‘deliver presents to children?' Highly un­likely."

Whatever the case, Santa Claus is still missing and there are still extremely dis­appointed children in Cuba with no pres­ents.

"I just want my Santa-poo back," pleaded Mrs. Claus. "Without his sleigh delivering presents to the world, the job is left to Tim freaking Allen, and no one wants that."