Charles Manson in prison no more
Published: Monday, May 7, 2012
Updated: Tuesday, May 8, 2012 01:05
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At first he was mistaken for another bum. The elderly man barely robed in torn gray clothing and an overgrown beard discovered near campus today, however, was anything but.
Charles Manson, cult leader and mass murderer popularly known for his belief that a race war was coming in the 1960s, was found creeping around in the tunnel that connects the 4-Diamonds Shuttle stop to the University Village Center around 4 p.m.
“I recognized the swastika on his forehead,” said George Crapmypants, the frightened film studies major who stumbled upon Manson while on his way home from the shuttle.
“At first I didn’t even notice him and then he jumped at me – this is gonna sound crazy but you know in those exorcist movies where possessed people get up on ceilings and stuff? That’s what happened, I swear; he came down from above me.”
Chief of Police Tim Rice took the call about the escaped murderer. “When I first got the call, I expected to be arresting some punk pranking kids, even when I saw him I didn’t believe it … until I saw the psycho in his eyes.”
As soon as word got out that it was Manson who had been stalking unsuspecting students, a large crowd gathered outside Public Safety. “Free Charlie!” chanted one section of students, whose self-identified leader, Rick Freemurderers said, “Charlie should be set free as he was meant to be. He doesn’t believe in killing anymore.”
One student in the group cried in agony to the others, “I walked under that bridge! I could have talked to him. Why!?”
Others like Rice were not as thrilled. “I’m just glad that this man is somewhere where he can no longer endanger students.”
Though Manson was only available for comment for a few moments before being whisked off to a secret location on the Bluffs where he will be held until state authorities arrive, (hopefully not where they keep the Chancellor’s champion of change money), when asked if he had anything to say for himself he shouted, “Helter Skelter, baby!”