Alleged zombie research lab discovered in the depths of Columbine Hall

Disclaimer: The contents of the Scribble are completely fabricated, peppered with in­consistencies and laced with lies. Any resemblance to the truth found herein is a matter of sheer luck. The Scribble should be approached with a healthy dose of skepticism, and its claims should be taken - if they are taken at all - with many grains of salt.

The first floor of Columbine Hall has a reputation as a place that fits right into a "Hardy Boys" book. Attending classes there at night has always made for para­noia among students and professors alike: Anything could be lurking in the shad­ows.

Now students have uncovered what at least one student group believes to be a zombie research lab on the first floor of Columbine, and students are demanding answers from administration.

In a blog posting at the end of last week, Zombie Club President Rodding Flesche announced that with all the talk of the zombie apocalypse and prepara­tions to defend against it, this lab might be the real deal.

"I think I might have possibly seen something scary and fast-moving in the dark. When I followed it to investigate, I found a lab filled with vials of chemicals labeled ‘I.J.' It must be a zombie research lab. What other sinister purpose could a lab have down here on the bottom floor?"

In a public statement issued by the chancellor's office, Pat Smokley-Zala­wack tried to assure students and faculty that there was no reason for concern. "Ev­erything we do on this campus is totally in keeping with our strategic plan, which has nothing to do with zombies."

But sophomore Thayer Lyers, head of the student group Truth in Campus Ad­ministration, isn't convinced.

"We find it preposterous," Lyers said, "that administration is trying to convince us this is just another science lab. I'm not a big believer in zombies, but the odds that this is a zombie research lab are much higher than that this administration would be telling students the truth for once."

What's behind this lab remains an open question. According to Lyers, a public records request revealed that two months ago, the Center for Homeland Security signed a government research contract titled Zom-B.

The contract – between the Center and U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforce­ment – gave the Center $2 million for the creation of a "population research lab."

Burt Swanson, director of the Center for Homeland Security, did not return The Scribe's phone calls.

Chief of Police Tim Rice is chalking the whole thing up to an elaborate student prank.

"All this zombie conspiracy talk is way off base," said Rice, speculating that it's probably the work of a student who feels invisible and wants some attention. "The letters ‘I.J.' were scrawled on every one of those vials. I think you-know-who is behind this."

Invisible Joe could not be contacted for comment.