Romance in ‘Baby Bonanza’ borders on obsessive creepiness

As an English major, I enjoy reading fiction from numerous genres. Until about a week ago, however, I had yet to open a romance novel.

In honor of St. Valentine, I decided to change that and learn what I was missing – or, in this case, how much time I could waste instead of investing it in my coursework.

Too embarrassed to buy a paperback and look a cashier in the eye afterward, I went online and found tryharlequin.com, which hosts 18 free romance novel downloads.

I'll admit I judged a book by its cover. I only chose Maureen Child's "Baby Bonanza" for its name and picture of a man in a suit holding two babies, neither of which I anticipated from the romance genre.

The man in question is Nick Falco, a wealthy cruise mogul who romanced Jenna Baker, a ship employee masquerading as a passenger, at sea.

Once Nick discovered the ruse, he fired Jenna. She later discovered she was pregnant and, after multiple failed attempts to reach him, gave birth to twin boys.

"Baby Bonanza" begins after Jenna returns onboard to confront Nick and demand child support. Spoiler alert: They still want each other. Shocker, I know.

Although the book is weighed down with cliche descriptions of Nick, "the guy you dated, but didn't bring home to mom" and his "icy blue eyes," it's not entirely unreadable after the first few pages.

The first chapter is tedious because of how much Jenna talks to herself about Nick and how she's going to make him pay – literally and figuratively.

She's introduced as the typical unhinged, single woman scorned, but her character later develops into a hurt and frustrated single mother, which is easier to sympathize with.

Meanwhile, Nick revels in womanizing. Before he learns about the children he fathered, the worst of his problems are envelopes stuffed with female passengers' panties and room keys.

It's worthy of an eye roll but got plenty of laughs from me, which I can appreciate regardless of what Child's intentions may have been.

Sadly, "Baby Bonanza" lacks romance and whatever other redeeming qualities it may have had once Jenna leaves the ship.

Nick proceeds to follow her and find where she lives. Despite Jenna's objections, he invites himself inside her house because he refuses to be away from his sons.

The end of the book, complete with a sappy monologue from Nick, is worse. It feels as if Child had to cram an entire couple's history into less than one chapter.

Instead of taking small steps together as a family, Jenna and Nick take a long, striding and thoroughly unbelievable leap.

Jenna feels as nervous about it as when Nick first forced his way into her home, but she ultimately accepts that he will make decisions for her. The end.

This all might sound like an ideal fantasy for ladies who like their men to have a stalker streak. For the rest of us, it would be an invitation to call the police.