Dissecting romantic comedies

To save you the drama and the time of spending two hours in front of the TV watching a romantic comedy with your date this Valentine's Day, I have adapted all the important points of any romantic movie into one short column.

Our romantic comedy  first introduces our main character. She is smart, sexy, and tired of "men;" she may have several "issues," but she is terrific underneath.

The male lead is introduced next. He is and will be henceforth referred to as the Knight in shining armor.

Our Knight is a really handsome guy. Average women would come running from half a mile away willing to jump through hoops of fire to be with this guy, but our female lead can't be bothered. 

The main character constantly downplays the appeal of Sir Knight. Her trusty girlfriend or sister (the one that's about to be engaged or married) tells her she should give him a chance. The Knight knows that this condescending, difficult woman is for him! Forget the countless chicks he could have without a quarter of the trouble.

All of the sudden, without any explanation, our star decides that she likes the Knight. He said or did something minor that brushed away all her apprehensions. She is in love.

Now the "bad guy" of the film interferes and threatens our lovers' love. It is usually over something incredibly dumb. For example, our star may see the Knight hug another woman (who turns out to be his long-lost sister who was on a mission trip to Africa).

This is the only part of a romantic comedy that resembles the real world. The female now hates the Knight's guts; he has once again proven that all men are slime.   

The Knight has no idea why, and nothing short of burning at the stake will make the female lead reveal the issue. Our Knight spends most of the remaining movie haplessly wondering what he did wrong, and of course neither one of them has the intelligence or communicative abilities to ask.

Finally when one or the other figures out the issue, the Knight or leading lady must make a mad dash to confess their true feelings at the zero hour. The lovers then share a grand emotional kiss and plan their wedding scene.

Romantic comedies generally consist of a Disney princess movie with a little more "make me want to upchuck" drama .

Now you can use your time this V-day on something more important than a silly movie about love. Like explaining how the flower guy must have accidently switched up the cards, or spending three hours on the phone waiting for just one pause so you can wish your grandmother happy V-day. So when V-day rolls around…you're welcome.